The Subway - The Best Way

Cabs cost a fortune. Buses take forever.
If you need to get somewhere fast and it's too far to walk, the subway is the best way to go. In other words, you'll be on it a lot. Here's what you need to know about your new ride.
1. Locals usually refer to the subway as "the train," as in "I'll be on the train by noon."
This is not to be confused with the train lines that take you to Connecticut (known as MetroNorth) or Long Island (known as the L.I.R.R. - which is spelled out letter by letter). Those trains leave from Grand Central Station and Penn Station at scheduled times. Subways have schedules, but you'll never see one. They come when they come.
2. Subways are not referred to by color.
There's always a large letter of the alphabet on the first car indicating what route that particular train is taking. For instance, on newer trains, you might see a white A superimposed on a blue circle. Do not refer to this as the Blue Line. Yes, its route is traced in blue on the subway map. That doesn't matter.
It is - and will always be - the A train.
3. Subways are operated by the MTA, which is the Metropolitan Transit Authority. A map of the entire MTA system is supposed to be available free of charge from agents working in what used to be token booths in the various stations.
Most of these booths aren't open anymore, and the ones that are usually don't have any, so you'll probably have to try a few stations before you'll find what you need. Until you do, there's usually a map posted on a wall near the entrance, as well as in each subway car. (By the way, once you do get a map, don't pull it out in public unless you want everyone to know you don't have a clue.)
4. Read the MTA flyers posted on the walls near the entrance and on the subway platform.
Since there's always maintenance being done on the tracks, trains get rerouted - sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for an entire weekend. These flyers are the first way to find out if you're wasting your time waiting for a train that's never going to show up. Once in a while, somebody might make an announcement about these changes over the PA system, but you'll be lucky if you're able to understand every third word.
5. Station entrances can be very specific, so read the signs over the stairs carefully.
Each of the train lines available at a particular entrance will be listed , and often they'll be designated as "Uptown" - which is more or less north - or "Downtown" - which is more or less south. (Note: Unlike Chicago, New York doesn't have a neighborhood called Uptown.)
Caution: If you enter the "Uptown" side of a station (which will be on the east side of any given street) to go "Downtown," there's no guarantee you'll be able to get to the "Downtown" train. Head west across the street for the "Downtown" entrance.
Some entrances are only open at certain times of the day, and the hours will be posted. Some don't have any MTA agents or Metrocard machines around, so the sign will say you need a Metrocard. Some have colored lights mounted on poles at the top of the stairs - they're supposed to be a signal telling you whether or not the station is open. Green means yes. Red means maybe.
6. In order to get on the subway, you'll need a Metrocard, which you'll usually have to buy from a vending machine.
Metrocards come in plenty of denominations, so you'll be able to pay for a specific number of rides OR get unlimited rides for a specific number of days. Note: If you buy a 30-day card, pay with your debit card and get a receipt, or you won't be able to get a refund if you lose it.
7. If your Metrocard doesn't work on the first few tries, don't stand there running it through the turnstile over and over again, the people behind you beaming death rays into your skull.
Metrocards usually come back to life with a little static, so step aside and rub the card on your clothes. Make sure you get back in line at the same turnstile - if it's actually working. If it isn't, you'll have to find an agent to let you in. Good luck with that.
8. There are local trains, which stop every 9 or 10 blocks, and there are express trains, which can go 40 blocks without stopping.
Make sure you get on the kind you need, and pay attention to any announcements made by the conductor. A local can suddenly go express, and vice versae.
9. Always have something to read or write. This will help you avoid eye contact with undesirables, plus keep you entertained on long trips. Phones don't work on the subway - yet.
10. If you don't get a seat, hold onto something that's attached to the train. That means a pole or a bar, not a person. Trains tend to lurch into action, and if you don't have a grip on something, you can end up in someone's lap.
11. Don't sit right next to someone if there's any other seat available. Personal space is at a premium in this town, and New Yorkers resent any invasion of it that can possibly be avoided.
12. Don't pull the emergency brake cord when you're between stations.
Once that cord is pulled, the train will stop for a very long time, and you'll be stuck in a tunnel until the crew can figure out what's going on. This is extremely aggravating. Wait till the train gets into the station, and if you're truly desperate, then pull the cord. That way, people who want to leave can get out and on their way.
13. Don't stick anything between the doors as they're closing.
They might not open, and you might end up getting dragged down the platform. Don't risk it; I don't want to see it happen again.
That's it for now. If you have any questions, or anything to add, please post.
Thanks for reading, and good luck!

Meet Your Guide

This blog is a beginner's guide to New York City, created for people that long to live here by people who already do. You citizens of the future need to know what it takes to survive in this town before you climb off that bus at Port Authority, and I'm here to help.
I've been a New Yorker for 22 years, arriving just in time for the blackout of '77. (I've left for stints in LA, Chicago, Nashville, and San Diego, so I've had the pleasure of moving in over and over again.) Since I've lived and worked throughout Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Queens, I'll excuse myself from discussing the Bronx or Staten Island. Any of my fellow New Yorkers are more than welcome to add their hard-won wisdom to this effort - you're all experts, and you know it.
*By the way, most of this information won't be any use to rich people. They don't need to find cheap apartments and negotiate the subway system, lucky things. So if you don't have a driver or a personal assistant, read on!